“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
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Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish