left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
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“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Nice try, NASA
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for