In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
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“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
#oldknees
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh