serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
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*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”