My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
You Might Also Like
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Urban Dictionary defines Heck:
Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months