Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
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*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
This is why I hate group projects
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
😂😂
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.