If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
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My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
your honor my client chooses dare
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”