Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
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Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Did I do this right
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
fired
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
How do horror writers compete with current events?
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
these two trucks have the same bed length
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.