A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
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british sex workers really pound for pound
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
January has been Januweary
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Jupiter
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.