Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
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Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Me, in DM rooms…
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Harsh but fair
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win