Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
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ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.