I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
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[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
OH. COME. ON.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.