UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
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I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?