I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
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Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.