the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
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in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Muppet Screams
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
But I really needed water water water
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.