Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
You Might Also Like
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.