harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
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*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
SF is the wild wild west man
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.