It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
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FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
pictures of spider-man
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles