my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
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Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”