I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
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Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.