When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
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ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
I triple waxed for this?
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.