Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
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“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.