you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
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(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*