“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
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Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”