My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
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Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.