Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
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Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.