Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
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Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”