I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
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Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.