Autocorrect is my menesis
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If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!