[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
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[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
NASA has no chill
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.