Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
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A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
One venti cheeseburger please.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Try and stop me.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
🌱🌱🌱
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
The devil.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then