Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
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I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Just a bush.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed