You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
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It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!