If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
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Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
The human personality is made of five key elements
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Saw your ex at the shops
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Just say no
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?