“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
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Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
oh u like history? name everything that happened