If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
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if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
I think this cat is broken
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.