Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
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Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
[at the general store]
me: one general please
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
do what now??
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.