THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
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i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.