I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
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It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Remember folks 😂
Morning.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it