“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
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The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
My life in a nutshell
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.