If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
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Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants