No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
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“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.