Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
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It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Your secret is safeish with me
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]