Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
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Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks