Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
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Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Selfie
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Tough love is true love
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Yep.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
when you order from DoorDastardly
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.