Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
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You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom