….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
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Oops I deleted….
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.