I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
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The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting