– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
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“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.