“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
You Might Also Like
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
#milo
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.